She Wrote a Letter

The last time mom was awake was 7 PM last night. She can hear us and shakes her head when we ask her questions like “Are you in pain? Are you comfortable? Can you hear us? Do you know we love you?”

It’s real today. This is really happening. It’s not a bad dream. This is real. And, I’m not ready – and I keep repeating that in my mind. I’m not ready to let her go. I’m not ready to loose her.

She’s not talking. She’s not eating. She’s not drinking. She’s grunting. She shakes her head. She gets restless. She’s on morphine. She’s on Ativan. And she looks comfortable and relaxed.

She’s not even gone and I miss her so much. Today, I said I wanted it to be over. But that’s not true. I don’t want it to be over, because when it’s over she’s not here. Because when it’s over she’s not coming back. Because when it’s over, it’s over. And I don’t know what it feels like to not fight this disease with her. I don’t know what normal feels like. And it will never be normal.

She’s my mom. She’s my best friend. She’s my everything. I call her millions of times. I fight with her when she tells me I’m wrong. I laugh with her when she says something stupid.

The thing is though, we lost her a long time ago. But, it doesn’t feel like that today. It feels new. It feels like this all just happened. It feels real – and I’m not ready for real. We aren’t ready for real.

We planned her arrangements today. At 24 years old, how do you come to terms with picking out a burial site, a casket, a funeral? How do you do it and not feel like it’s wrong?

This is all wrong. This is not how our story was supposed to go. My heart is breaking and my world it’s crashing.

I’ve been stowik, just like my mom. I’ve taken control of all of her care, just like she would have done. And as I hear myself and see myself, I see I’m more like my mom than I ever thought or knew. I hold myself together until I break. And I break when it’s quiet and I think people can’t see me. I cry then. And I’m sure that’s when mom has cried, when no one was watching.

And now we have nurses who are here all the time. They’ve already become our family. We treat them just like our friends and family. Our house has been full of love and life these past couple of days. And as each day gets worse, our friends and family stay longer, take care of us more, spend more time with mom, and keep us sane.

Today is a week, a week since we brought her home. We made it seven days. And each day gets harder for her and us.

She told us she wrote a letter. She wrote a letter and she doesn’t understand why it’s taking so long to get answered. She hasn’t received anything back and she just doesn’t understand why. Why haven’t they answered her letter?

Mom is ready, and if she’s ready, we’ll be ready. But that doesn’t mean we want to be. That doesn’t mean that we all don’t have a little denial in us. That doesn’t mean that we don’t think about the moment it happens and how it’s going to make our knees buckle.

So, mom, I’m so proud of you. I’m so thankful that for all my life we’ve had such a close relationship. I’m so thankful that you became my best friend during my teenage years. I’m so grateful to have learned how to be the best mother from you. I’m so happy you are my mom. I’m so in love with the person you are. You will always be my best friend, my mom, my shadow, my angel and my rock. Just as you have been all my life. I love you more than words can say.

And, we’ll be okay. Dad and I will be okay. It will be different and for a while it will feel like it’s a dream and it’s not real. But you’ll never leave us. You’ll always be here. You’ll always tell me when I’m wrong, and you’ll always give me the strength I need when I am weak.

I love you so much, Mom.

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8 thoughts on “She Wrote a Letter

  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Continued prayers to you, Susan, and your whole family. Keep talking to your mom, she hears you. ❤

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  2. Ashley, we are all here for you. Keep strong and our prayers will help you, your dad and mom. I lost my mom at age 12 and fully understand. Your mom and me had a lot in common! Thanks for sharing with all of us. Focus on special memories and happy moments you shared. Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. xoxoxo — Diane

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  3. Ashley, I am so sorry to see the suffering that you, your mom and dad have endured throughout this time. I wish only peace for your mom and family. Your memories will help you get through the tough times ahead. Your memories will be forever. I am here in prayers and thoughts.

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  4. Ashley, I worked with your Mom at GE for many years. Arlene Fanali called & told me about Susan. I am so sorry for you all; but I’m glad you’re able to get some of your sadness/anger/frustration out by writing this blog. My thoughts and prayers will be with you, Susan, and the whole family.

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  5. My dearest Niece and Godchild: I cherish and am so grateful for having had Sue as my sister , friend , confidante and
    Aunt to Jess and Amanda. In good times and bad times ,we listened to each other and supported one another’. We had a terrific sister bond, filled with unconditional love and lack of judgement.. ” She will always be in my heart and her hand in my hand , ” as it was since our childhood , well into our adult years … I sense Sue and I shared secrets
    only sister’s trust each other with.. To have this sister bond with Sue has been my Gift From God and I will cherish it always. As I will you, for you , my dear Goddaughter are
    also “A Gift From God!”! A part Of ” Precious Sue” to carry on
    her legacy …. in your own creative , unique, honorable way.
    ” You are her shining beacon of light.” Rest In Peace Now Suzy-Q! I will always love you. Janny!

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  6. I know we don’t know each other, but I’m sorry. I know how ur heart aches bc 3 months ago I also sat with my larger than life father and held his hand as he passed. The agony leaves us speechless and numb. My dad also told us he wrote a letter and it was in his office. My mom has torn that office apart to find if. Praying that somehow we can find peace. Keep writing it’s my therapy these days ❤️

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    • Lisa, I read some of your blog posts and it hits so close to home. Writing is a fabulous release because I often feel as if its the only way I can explain what I am going through. Cancer takes something from every family member, but it also makes us stronger. I’m so glad you found my blog, and I found yours. ❤

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