Home.

She made her decision. 

No more hospitals, no more doctor visits, no more infusion centers, no more rehab centers. No more picking and prying.

She’s coming home. We’re all coming home – to the home I grew up in. The home our family made countless memories in. And as my husband and I moved our bed, clothes, dogs and as the hospice company delivered the bed, wheelchair, walker, and oxygen – it was real. This is real. 

  

We will take care of her in her final weeks. We will make more memories in the house that holds our secrets, dreams and hopes. It’s going to be hard, really hard – the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do; but it’s her decision and she is in control this time. 

So, just like we have been – we will cry, laugh, get mad and love with everything we have.

And when I think about it – I’m mad, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m overwhelmed. A miracle doesn’t exist. Instead, this cancer exists and it’s taking something away from all of us. I’m struggling to find my faith, I’m struggling to understand why and how this has happened to our family.

And the worst part is as I think about what’s to come – my future kids will never meet the woman who I call my hero. My mom won’t be there to tell me I’m swaddling wrong. My mom won’t be there to babysit and spoil our children. 

I know, life isn’t fair. Life isn’t perfect. But it should be. Bad things shouldn’t happen to good people. And there should be a cure for this disease. 

While I watch my mom process this, this new reality, she’s hurting. She doesn’t want to let go. She doesn’t want to miss what’s to come. She doesn’t want to die. She’s not ready. And we’re not ready. 

So, today we sit in silence waiting to be told when she can come home. We’re ready for her to come home, but we’re not ready for what’s to come.

This is changing me. This is changing all of us. And I’m scared. I’m scared I’m not going to take care of her the right way. I’m scared of being without her. 

I love you, Mom and I am so proud of your strength and perseverance. You’ve been through more than anyone can imagine. You will always be my best friend. 

It’s time to come home. 

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7 thoughts on “Home.

  1. So so sad I cry as I read this for I have lost my mom .. I send U so many prayers n hugs to your family .. I won’t promise it gets easier but U are strong n will get thru it all together .. Hold UR family close .. If Ya ever WANNA chat im always willing.. ️Xoxo much love sent UR way darling .. Im sorry U are Goin thru this

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ashley, Your love for your Mom will give you the strength to get through this time with no regrets! I still miss Babci every day! I carry her in my heart always! Mom will never leave you no matter where you are she will be there, in your eyes and in your children’s eyes. Much love to you all! we are with you XOX

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your mom has found strength and will because of her deep love for you. I agree talk about anything and everything, write things down, record things. You are all in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ashley, I can’t believe it’s been a year. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I’m now retired from GE, but will always remember the fun times we had whenever Sue and I were in the same dept./office. I’ll never forget her!
    Cathie

    Like

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