She made her decision.
No more hospitals, no more doctor visits, no more infusion centers, no more rehab centers. No more picking and prying.
She’s coming home. We’re all coming home – to the home I grew up in. The home our family made countless memories in. And as my husband and I moved our bed, clothes, dogs and as the hospice company delivered the bed, wheelchair, walker, and oxygen – it was real. This is real.
We will take care of her in her final weeks. We will make more memories in the house that holds our secrets, dreams and hopes. It’s going to be hard, really hard – the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do; but it’s her decision and she is in control this time.
So, just like we have been – we will cry, laugh, get mad and love with everything we have.
And when I think about it – I’m mad, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m overwhelmed. A miracle doesn’t exist. Instead, this cancer exists and it’s taking something away from all of us. I’m struggling to find my faith, I’m struggling to understand why and how this has happened to our family.
And the worst part is as I think about what’s to come – my future kids will never meet the woman who I call my hero. My mom won’t be there to tell me I’m swaddling wrong. My mom won’t be there to babysit and spoil our children.
I know, life isn’t fair. Life isn’t perfect. But it should be. Bad things shouldn’t happen to good people. And there should be a cure for this disease.
While I watch my mom process this, this new reality, she’s hurting. She doesn’t want to let go. She doesn’t want to miss what’s to come. She doesn’t want to die. She’s not ready. And we’re not ready.
So, today we sit in silence waiting to be told when she can come home. We’re ready for her to come home, but we’re not ready for what’s to come.
This is changing me. This is changing all of us. And I’m scared. I’m scared I’m not going to take care of her the right way. I’m scared of being without her.
I love you, Mom and I am so proud of your strength and perseverance. You’ve been through more than anyone can imagine. You will always be my best friend.
It’s time to come home.